Barry's Blog

Every summer for 25 years, Mark Vasu has gotten together for a weekend getaway with old friends from Duke University. The 15 men, who graduated in 1984, gather in the same cabin in Highlands, N.C. "It's a judgment-free, action-packed, adventure-based weekend," says Mr. Vasu. "We go hiking, whitewater rafting, rock climbing, fly-fishing." What they don't do is sit around as a group, the way women do, sharing their deepest feelings.

So begins Jeffrey Zaslow's article last week in the April 7th issue of The Wall Street Journal, titled "Friendship for Guys (No Tears!)." There is no question that the way men and women perceive relationships and friendships is light years apart, and it is rather commonplace and convenient for men to see themselves, and to be perceived by the opposite sex, as well, inferior.

Yet many would argue that just because male friendships are vastly different than those of most women, we shouldn't assume that they're inferior to female friendships. "If we use a woman's paradigm for friendship, we're making a mistake," says Geoffrey Greif, a professor at the University of Maryland's School of Social Work, who has studied how 386 men made, kept and nurtured friendships. Men might not be physically or emotionally expressive, he says, but we derive great support from our friendships.

Some have observed (and I believe that this is true) that women's friendships are face to face: They talk, cry together, share secrets. Men's friendships are side by side: We play golf. We go to football games.

Speaking of his personal life and male friendships, Zaslow observed: "I've played poker with the same guys every Thursday night for 18 years. We rarely talk about our lives. We talk about cards, betting, bluffing. I used to say that my poker buddies don't even know my kids' names. But then I wondered if I was exaggerating. So one night I turned to my left at the poker table and casually asked my friend Lance: "Hey Lance, could you name my children?" He shrugged, paused to think, then smiled sheepishly. "I could rename them," he said.

Dr. Greif's response to Zaslow's retelling his experience with his poker buddies did not catch him by surprise. Grief suggested that if a man were to reveal that he lost his job or that his wife left him, the other guys would say, "Gee, dude, that's too bad. Want us to deal you out this hand?"

According to The Wall Street Journal article, in his research, Dr. Greif found that men generally resist high-maintenance relationships, whether with spouses, girlfriends or male pals. When choosing friends, "men don't want someone who is too needy," he says. A third of the men in his study said they learned positive things from female friendships, but 25% had a negative impression of women as friends, citing issues such as "cattiness" and "too much drama." And women are more likely than men to hold grudges toward friends, according to Dr. Greif's 2009 book, "Buddy System."

While studies suggest that women tend to start reconnecting with old friends around age 40, men tend to build friendships until about age 30, but then there's often a falloff after that. Among the reasons: Their friendships are more apt to be hurt by geographical moves and differences in career trajectories. Recent studies, however, are now finding that men in their late 40s are turning to what Dr. Grief calls "rusted" friends-longtime pals they knew when they were younger. And certainly the social media outlets such as LindedIn, Facebook, etc. are making it much easier for men to reestablish these friendships from the past. 

Guys, see if you can identify with this story Zaslow reported in his Wall Street Journal article: "A woman from Wisconsin wrote to me recently to say that she effortlessly shares intimate feelings with her friends. That's in great contrast to her husband. He recently went on a fishing trip to Canada with four longtime friends. And so she wondered: What did they talk about for a whole week? She knew one of the men had problems at work. Another's daughter was getting married. The third man has health problems. Her husband said none of those issues came up. She couldn't believe it. She told him: 'Two female strangers in a public restroom would share more personal information in five minutes than you guys talked about in a week!'."

We live in an interesting day, when the hectic pace of our lives, and the competitive drive in the workplace among men, often contribute to our mere "surface" friendships, and seeing other men as "competitors." And without question, the way we were raised has had a profound influence about how we relate to others in terms of transparency and authenticity. And while some of us may be better at "friendship" with our male peers and friends, it is clear that there is a wide chasm between the way men and women perceive friendships and relationships. 

So are we simply that shallow? Your thoughts posted below would be appreciated. Simply click the button, "Add Your Comment."