Barry's Blog

"Within each man there is a dark castle with a fierce dragon to guard the gate. The castle contains a lonely self, a self most men have suppressed, a self they are afraid to show. Instead they present an armored knight - no one is invited inside the castle. The dragon symbolizes the fears and fantasies of masculinity, the leftover stuff of childhood."

In his book, The Friendless American Male, author David Smith tackles various men's issues, such as loneliness, isolation from others, our cherished privacy, and the individualism that perhaps exacts a greater toll than we men might realize. Smith observes, "Men find it hard to accept that they need the fellowship of other men. The simple request, 'Let's have lunch,' is likely to be met with the response, 'Sure, what's up?' The message is clear: the independent man doesn't need the company of another man...Even when men are frequently together their social interaction begins and remains at a superficial level. Just how long can conversations about politics and sports be nourishing to the human spirit?"

How did we get to this state of affairs? Many factors have influenced men's relational isolation. Early in life most little boys receive the cultural message that it is taboo for males to express feelings. "Don't be a sissy!" And men rarely ask for help. How often have our wives wanted us to stop and ask for directions when we were on a trip? There is an old saying that the reason Moses and the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for forty years was because he never would ask for directions! Another factor that works to the detriment of a man's relationships is the inordinate competition. A boy learns at an early age that other boys, and later other men, are his competitors and therefore, potential enemies. As Vince Lombardi once remarked,"Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing!"

I came across a list that suggests how men perhaps subconsciously adhere to what might be called the "Commandments of Masculinity."

 • He shall not cry.

•  He shall not display weakness.

•  He shall not need affection or gentleness or warmth.

•   He shall never express his true feelings.

•  He shall comfort but not desire comforting.

•  He shall be needed but not need.

•  He shall touch but not be touched.

•  He shall be steel not flesh.

•  He shall be inviolate in his manhood.

•  He shall stand alone. 

So how are we doing? Which of these "commandments" do we find ourselves following? How might our relationships be adversely affected by embracing this view of masculinity?

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!...Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."  --Ecclesiastes 4: 9, 10, 12 

 I welcome your comments...

-Barry Morrow